by Shelley Fowler
In a mere few hours the clock by which we measure dates and time will sweep us into 2009. But before then, before I’m forced to take a giant eraser and clean my old, cluttered slate, and before I discard the written-all-over and used up calendar for a pristine new one, I will have taken time to look backwards across the expanse of the past twelve months. There I have found the lessons – some hard-pressed, some simply accepted – which shaped and now measure who I am, what I believe, where I’ve been and where I’m going.
And I’ve come to the conclusion that the greatest lesson this Okie woman learned in 2008 had much to do with walking across a bridge – a bridge found not in real life but within my soul. I was walking across that bridge the first three weeks of December. Although I most earnestly meant what I wrote and spoke of when it came to such things as the reason for Christmas, and although I believed without a smidgeon of doubt in the power of love as well as hope, joy, peace and grace, I realized that I was nigh on empty when it came to actually feeling those same emotions! My eyes were open, my heart was beating, my feet were walking, my mouth was smiling, my mind was working…but at the same time I felt somewhat numb deep inside my spirit. I found the sensation to be very prickly and unpleasant, as well as confusing, since I tend to be an optimist and embrace life lived with a sense of wonderment and much more than a modicum of faith!I was standing smack dab in the middle of the span of the figurative bridge on the evening of December 23. With some purposeful introspection, I discovered from whence the numbness had seeped its way into my soul. It was found in my perspective of the river of Life that was flowing beneath the bridge! I knew I was on the verge of either being dragged or sucked in, or allowing myself to be swept away by the raging currents over which I had no control. The river was (and is) overflowing with new ways of wickedness, old ways of corruption, gallons of greed and hatred, lack of love and disbelief in the sanctity of life, God, common sense and morality. Thus, I asked myself a question: Would I jump into the swirling waters and drown or would I hightail it to the other side of the bridge and see if I could find reaffirmation of the sincere, down to the toes, feelings of wonderment and faith that had directed my path and shaped my life the past several years? I chose to run the rest of the way across the bridge!I found some music whose instruments and voices radiated hope, faith and the words of God. I lit one candle, and then three more. I turned off all the lights in the house. And then…I danced! At first, it was only my body that moved. But gradually my spirit joined in, finding and renewing its natural rhythm and vibrations. It was a few hours later – in the wee hours of Christmas Eve – that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had made it across the bridge and on purpose and intentionally, righted my perspective. I had finished dancing and breathing, bending and stretching. I had made a cup of green tea and was curled up in the recliner. By the flickering light of the candles, I was having a conversation with God when I felt it – a stirring in my heart, a gentle touch upon my spirit. The numbness that had stolen my wonderment and faith for the past several weeks suddenly took flight and in its place settled God’s Christmas gift and blessing – that sweet peace and quiet joy that has nothing, and yet everything, to do with circumstance and the churning river of Life.Epilogue: Shiloh, Sweet Pea and their cousin, Max, accompanied me to the Munson Tuesday afternoon. The wind was barely whispering, the southern winter sun was warm against my cheeks, and the ground was firm beneath my sneakers. I stopped at a post that marks the half-section. Years of blowing sand have built up around it, creating a hill of sorts. It is there that numerous dogs and one dear cat named BlackJack are buried. And it is there that I stood and looked towards town three miles to the east as I absorbed and embraced the total stillness and emptiness of the land that encircled the place I was standing. Taking a deep breath, I acknowledged the fact that beyond that hill there is a world filled to overflowing with inhumanity and growing wickedness. And yet, there is also a world filled to overflowing with humanity, wisdom, love and goodness! It’s just that I had to choose to purposefully walk across that bridge to get from the point of believing it to actually feeling it! How grateful I am that God was there to meet me!
